Victims

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Dancing with the Soup: the Victor Cruz Story

John - 10/22/2014, 7:46 PM - Victims

When the bill came due for New York Giants wide receiver Victor Cruz to pay his endorsement of Campbell's Chunky Soup, a fluid so nasty that even the ebola virus passes right by it, he proved unable to dance his way out of it.

Cruz, beloved by NFL fans for his salsa dancing moves following touchdowns, understood the need to use his talents to get ahead in life, but his desire to prosper turned to tragedy when the Campbell's corporation came knocking and offered him the most evil contract that a man can sign without pricking his finger and doing it in blood.

The effects of consuming too much of the disgusting soup caused Cruz's knee to give out, bringing the receiver's 2014 campaign to an end.

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Todd Heap: yeah, the Curse loves tight ends

- 8/7/2008, 3:16 PM - Victims

The Campbell's Chunky Soup Curse is thorough.

How thorough, you ask?

So thorough that the Curse, in the midst of demolishing the #1 and #2 rushers in the NFL took time to destroy an All-Pro tight end. Tight ends are those really big guys who catch passes. You'll see the safeties (little guys) piling on six, seven at a time desperately hoping to get caught in the TE's cleats and cause him to trip.

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It was the soup of dreams: the LaDainian Tomlinson story

- 8/7/2008, 3:02 PM - Victims

No player stands as a greater symbol of the dangerous audacity of the Campbell's Chunky Soup Curse, the greatest corporate evil since United Fruit changed its exploitative brand to Chiquita, than the Curse's assault upon LaDainian Tomlinson, a future first-ballot Hall of Famer.

Tomlinson had established a reputation as an unbreakable runningback, no small achievement in the NFL. Runningbacks rise and fall just as quickly as linebackers can destroy their knees.

Tomlinson was invincible.

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Larry Johnson: going soupie in his diapers

John - 6/11/2008, 12:48 AM - Victims

Larry Johnson once seemed an unlikely victim of the Campbell's Chunky Soup Curse, the worst thing to happen to soup since chilling.

Early in his career as a runningback with the Kansas City Chiefs, a team so horrendous that then-commissioner Paul Tagliabue threatened to force them to play on a practice field until "they look like they've practiced", Johnson had a rough time with the coach who had drafted him.

Johnson played behind Preist Holmes, the mostly devoutly named player in the NFL. Coach Dick Vermeil had a dim opinion of Johnson, once calling him a "sniveling twat" and saying he should "take the diapers off, cause that's how I like my sexy... you know, um, removing his diapers".

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From the U to the Soup: the Jonathan Vilma story

John - 12/20/2007, 1:02 PM - Victims

Jonathan Vilma was on the fast track. A three year starter at the University of Miami, known for putting the best linebackers in the game on the field, Vilma was drafted by the New York Jets in 2004.

"I remember a friend saying, 'The Jets?! You're screwed now!'" said Vilma. "But, I remember a guy like Ray Lewis leaving Miami and going to Baltimore Ravens -- who back then were a step above a pee-wee league team."

Vilma dodged the curse of New York Jets. He won Rookie of the Year honors in 2004. In 2005 he led the NFL in tackles. He was rewarded with a trip to the Pro Bowl in 2006. Then it all fell apart.

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2007 Victim Inductee: Matt Hasselbeck

John - 8/14/2007, 12:09 PM - Victims

Matt Hasselbeck knew early on that the Curse meant business. Not long after signing with Chunky, the most vile fluid not injected by characters in a Tarentino film, the Curse attacked him. The attack led to the development of tendinitis in his foot.

This was compounded when fellow Seahawks backfield mate Shaun Alexander decided to take on the Madden Curse in the same year. Sure, Donovan McNabb had survived doing both curses in the same year, but Donovan McNabb didn't play for a defunct CFL team that had been sold to the NFL to pay off debts from the building of the Calgary Saddledome.

Then week 7 hit. With Shaun Alexander already on life support, the Chunky Soup Curse needed help from another Seahawks running back. It got that help from Mack Strong (made famous by his yellow "Mack Strong" wristbands, encouraging kids to pimp life out to the fullest every day). Strong blocked Vikings linebacker EJ Henderson into Hasselbeck, causing an MCL sprain in Hasselbeck's leg.

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