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Could Chunky Soup invade the CFL?

John - 12/17/2007, 11:49 PM - Curse News

It's a strange sort of speculation, but consider the following item:

Wolfe: What should you endorse?

Adams: Everybody tells me that I should endorse Campbell's Chunky Soup, but they haven't called yet. I hope they call. John Madden said I have one of the best nicknames in sports.

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December and McNabb is on the field?

John - 12/17/2007, 11:34 PM - Curse news

The Campbell's Chunky Soup Curse, the most frightening curse that can be uttered in Catonese, admitted a measure of defeat following Donovan McNabb's successful return from injury. McNabb's return was punctuated by a 10-6 victory over the Dallas Cowboys on Sunday.

The Curse noted, "It was a defensive victory for Philly. I mean, McNabb is kind of a vestigial appendage on that offense."

Curse followers are aghast to see McNabb alive, especially after his uneventful annual November injury. Said Curstographer Tony Bruno, "I thought McNabb was playing for the Saskaskatoon Yellow Hatchets or something of the Canadian League."

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Larry Johnson makes two; Heap makes three

John - 11/16/2007, 11:45 AM - Curse News

Kansas City Chiefs running back Larry Johnson has begun his demise, courtesy of Campbell's Chunky Soup, the most hideous fluid seen during my recent STD consultation. The Chiefs medical staff reports that Johnson has a foot injury, with a broken bone.

However, Dr. Seamus McIntyre, of the Chunky Institute for Chunkiography, said Johnson's prognosis is much worse than has been reported. He notes, "Chunky Soup poisoning is often first noticed in porous bones. However, Larry has advanced much more rapidly than some other victims."

The doctor said that Johnson's bones are not turning porous like other victims have experienced. Instead, Johnson's bones are turning to powder inside his body.

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The first of the new batch is done, Jonathan Vilma

John - 10/27/2007, 11:42 PM - Curse News

The Campbell's Chunky Soup Curse, the most rancid fluid not included in a witch's potion, released news of the demise of the first of the new batch of endorsers. Jonathan Vilma, already cursed playing linebacker for the New York Jets, the only World League of American Football team incorporated into the NFL, is gone for the season.

Vilma reported symptoms of Chunky Soup toxicity earlier this week, following Jets practice. Vilma reported one of the first signs of Chunky Cursedness to team doctors: his knee hurt.

Team doctor R. Elbert Kung returned with worse news for Vilma. Following x-rays, Kung concluded Jonathan Vilma may need a full knee replacement. Chunky Soup had rendered Vilma's knee so porous that it "could probably not sustain a 100 pound woman for more than ten minutes upright".

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Curse methodology explained

John - 9/25/2007, 11:53 AM - WTF

A lot of folks have emailed us with comments asking why a particular player is not counted as a victim. For example, we were asked why DeMarcus Ware is not yet counted under the "played with Terrell Owens" listing in the Nutrition Facts.

A player doesn't count as a Curse victim until an actual major injury befalls them.

A good example is John Lynch, the sole long-term non-victim of the evil endorsement deal. John Lynch, who endorsed Chunky for a good stretch, does not count as victim because he has not had an injury of any significance since his days with the Buccaneers (pre-endorsement). Therefore, John Lynch does not count as a victim.

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Is the Chunky Soup Curse losing a step?

John - 9/24/2007, 12:38 PM - Curse News

At the end of week three of the NFL season, many Curse watchers are wondering if Campbell's Chunky Soup, the active ingredient in 2/3 of all the world's chemical weapons, has lost its edge.

While many newcomers to the cursed endorsement are experiencing slow seasons, none have seen the debilitating injuries we have all come to know and respect as the trademark of the CHunky Soup Curse.

Curse watcher Dr. Z of Sports Illustrated notes, "At this stage, even the Curse alumni are having good years. Donovan McNabb is still upright. Ben Roethlisberger has barely been hit by a defensive end, let alone a van. Heck! Kurt Warner!!! Kurt Friggin Warner came off the bench and almost led the Arizona Cardinals, a former minor league indoor soccer team, to victory against the Baltimore Ravens, presumed to be the best defense since the Confederate held the hill at Fredricksburg!!! Come on!! What is this crap?! I'm gonna insert a few more exclamation points for good measure!!!"

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