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It was the soup of dreams: the LaDainian Tomlinson story

- 8/7/2008, 3:02 PM - Victims

No player stands as a greater symbol of the dangerous audacity of the Campbell's Chunky Soup Curse, the greatest corporate evil since United Fruit changed its exploitative brand to Chiquita, than the Curse's assault upon LaDainian Tomlinson, a future first-ballot Hall of Famer.

Tomlinson had established a reputation as an unbreakable runningback, no small achievement in the NFL. Runningbacks rise and fall just as quickly as linebackers can destroy their knees.

Tomlinson was invincible.

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Larry Johnson: going soupie in his diapers

John - 6/11/2008, 12:48 AM - Victims

Larry Johnson once seemed an unlikely victim of the Campbell's Chunky Soup Curse, the worst thing to happen to soup since chilling.

Early in his career as a runningback with the Kansas City Chiefs, a team so horrendous that then-commissioner Paul Tagliabue threatened to force them to play on a practice field until "they look like they've practiced", Johnson had a rough time with the coach who had drafted him.

Johnson played behind Preist Holmes, the mostly devoutly named player in the NFL. Coach Dick Vermeil had a dim opinion of Johnson, once calling him a "sniveling twat" and saying he should "take the diapers off, cause that's how I like my sexy... you know, um, removing his diapers".

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How the Curse works, 2008 edition

John - 6/11/2008, 12:18 AM - WTF

Every season, as foozball approaches with a twinkle in its eyes and freshly reconstructed knees ready to spring forth, it is worth pausing to remember how the Campbell's Chunky Soup Curse, the most unlikely fluid flushed from China's recently formed and then drained "quake lake", works.

First and foremost, your withdrawal from Chunkistan in no way entitles you to a life without misery and pain. Ask Kurt Warner. He's still pulling down a paycheck from the Arizona Cardinals.

Second, retirement does not protect you. Ask Reggie White. Never mind. You cannot ask Reggie White. Look it up on Wikipedia if you're not fan enough to know why.

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LaDainian Tomlinson to single-handedly attack Curse?

John - 5/12/2008, 12:09 PM - Curse News

The Campbell's Soup Company, a joint venture of Omni Consumer Product and Weyland-Yutani, announced today that its 2008 Chunky Soup ads will feature LaDainian Tomnlinson.

Current details indicate Tomlinson will be the sole spokesman featured in the campaign.

Chunky Soup Curse watchers were stunned. Said long-time Curstographer Steve Tasker, "I think the Campbell's may be trying to see if they can get a man actually killed on the football field. There really is no other rational explanation."

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Down goes evil! Down goes evil!

John - 2/4/2008, 1:05 AM - Curse News

The New England Patriots, the worst threat to civilization since Mongols conquered half of Eurasia, discovered that they are not and will never be the greatest evil in the National Football League.

Two weeks after the Pats revealed their secret pact with the Campbell's Chunky Soup, the nastiest product not associated with feminine itching, and its dreaded Curse, they were betrayed.

Said the Curse, "I got what I wanted from the Pats. I needed them to destroy LaDainian Tomlinson."

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Mexican hookers took down my web server

John - 1/27/2008, 1:06 AM - Curse news

Seriously. They did. Read all about it at my web design blog...

I apologize to all the folks who missed out on the Curse today because the server dragged to a halt.

And the Mexican hooker story is true. Without going into too much detail, basically some guy's Mexican hooker website resolves to the IP address of the new, upgraded server that the Curse website happens to reside on.

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