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Has Chunky Soup destroyed Donovan McNabb's brain?

John - 11/19/2008, 12:27 AM - Curse News

Campbell's Chunky Soup, a material so corrosive it was once used by coolies during the construction of railroads in the Pacific Northwest, is known for causing many defects. Knee injuries. Back injuries. Cyborg legs. Truck-to-face injuries.

Add brain damage to that list.

Curstographer Matthew J. Darnell recently exposed McNabb's severe mental deterioration on his blog. Darnell noted that McNabb, a 10-year veteran of the National Football League, is now so mentally defective he does not know that NFL games can end in a tie.

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State of the Curse

John - 11/9/2008, 11:40 PM - Curse News

As November rolls in like a lamb, the Campbell's Chunky Soup Curse, the most targeted form of evil since the Genesis torpedo was launched, is fat with victory. And hearty chunks of beef.

LaDainian Tomlinson continues his march to mediocrity with the assistance of the San Diego Chargers. A brave little soldier, her troopers on as the Chargers desperately try to remain better than the Chiefs and the Raiders.

Speaking of the Chiefs, the Curse denies all involvement with the decline and fall of Larry Johnson. Johnson, who was recently arrested for being an asshole, continues to baffle the NFL with his incapacity to grow-up. Former coach Dick Vermeil told ESPN Radio last Friday, "Told ya so."

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Curse strikes Tomlinson fast

John - 9/18/2008, 3:20 PM - Curse news

The Campbell's Chunky Soup Curse, recently appointed the vengeful living god of a cargo cult in Papua New Guinea, struck the NFL early and hard. Chargers runningback LaDainian Tomlinson, the greatest LT since Lawrence Tynes suffered an injury to his big toe.

After touching the ball only 12 times in the Chargers heartbreaking loss to the Ed Hochulli-led Denver Broncos, Tomlinson has been suffering from a sore big toe on his right foot.

Chargers doctor R. Elbert Kung told the media, "The swelling is clearly consistent with a Chunky Soup infection. We plan to amputate above the right knee later this week."

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Curse wraps another uneventful preseason

John - 8/27/2008, 2:33 PM - Curse news

The Campbell's Chunky Soup Curse, the darkest dangerous vortex of evil outside of the Republican Senate Campaign Committee, broke camp Tuesday, saying good-bye to its roommate, the Madden Cover Curse, with little to be excited about. With one endorser this season, the Chargers' LaDainian Tomlinson, sitting the whole preseason, the Curse has largely focused on drills and workouts.

Dr. R. Elbert Kung, the strength and conditioning coach for the squad of evil cursed endorsement deals, said, "It's a long season. Anyone who knows Chunky knows that he wants to be their in November. September's something the Curse survives. When the run for the playoffs comes, that's when we want to be ready."

The Curse said, "I've been working on drills. Like the other day, we practiced rolling fat guys into a dummy's legs. Later we practiced grabbing guys from behind and buckling their knees with an awkward takedown."

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Welcome newspaper readers of the world

John - 8/7/2008, 10:17 PM - WTF

I just wanted to welcome the swarm of folk following that tiny little link at the bottom of the article syndicated on the LA Times, the Courant and the Orlando Sentinel websites.

Now, you're here looking to figure out this Chunky Soup Curse thing, rightie-o? Well, as much as I'd like to claim the best explanation of it, I want to hand you to last year's Canton Rep article by the award-winning Ed Balint. It is actually a much better top-down explanation than the inarticulate, poorly spell-checked drivel I'll chuck at ya.

But, if you care to venture my crap, here's this year's explanation of the Campbell's Chunky Soup Curse, the most vile curse in American standard English.

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Todd Heap: yeah, the Curse loves tight ends

- 8/7/2008, 3:16 PM - Victims

The Campbell's Chunky Soup Curse is thorough.

How thorough, you ask?

So thorough that the Curse, in the midst of demolishing the #1 and #2 rushers in the NFL took time to destroy an All-Pro tight end. Tight ends are those really big guys who catch passes. You'll see the safeties (little guys) piling on six, seven at a time desperately hoping to get caught in the TE's cleats and cause him to trip.

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