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Chunky Curse ponders late season slump

John - 12/21/2009, 11:26 AM - Curse News

The Campbell's Chunky Soup Curse -- a curse so wretched people don't say it about the New York Yankees -- has fallen on a late season slump.

Curse watcher are astonished to see former endorsers LaDainian Tomlinson, Ben Roethlisberger and DeMarcus Ware still walking. Worse, Donovan McNabb is playing some of the best football of his career.

NFL Network Cursiologist Marshall Faulk opined, "The Curse peaked early this year. It's time to have real doubts about the Curse going into the playoffs."

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Larry Johnson, former endorser, former Chief

John - 11/10/2009, 11:29 PM - Curse News

Larry Johnson, now a former Kansas City Chief, shocked the curse watching community. Most curse observer thought that Johnson's brief one year stint as an endorser of Campbell's Chunky Soup -- the most disgusting soup not made with PlayDough, ketchup and Pepsi --would limit his exposure to the evil curse.

They were wrong.

A side effect of Johnson's exposure to Campbell's Chunky Soup, a compound so lethal the federal government refuses to attack it, has been a rapid decline in mental acuity.

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Has the Curse caught up to Demarcus Ware?

John - 10/26/2009, 12:35 PM - Curse News

Curse watchers believe they have seen the Campbell's Chunky Soup Curse catch up with one of its last untouched victims: Dallas Cowboys linebacker DeMarcus Ware.

Cowboys team doctor Alfred E. Alfredsen, co-inventor of the anti-static afro pick, noted that apparent fractures in Ware's foot are consistent with Chunky Soup poisoning.

Said Alfredsen, "This reminds me a lot of how things started with Larry Johnson. You know, except for the fact that DeMarcus isn't a giant vag with feet like Larry."

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McNabb still suffering ill-effects of Chunky

John - 10/19/2009, 12:21 PM - Curse News

Donovan McNabb, quarterback for the Philadelphia Eagles, showed signs this week that he's still suffering from massive exposure to Campbell's Chunky Soup, a compound so dangerous it is only legal in China and parts of Mexico.

With 27 seconds left in the first half against the Oakland Raiders, McNabb called a timeout, his team's fourth timeout of the half. Only, teams don't get four timeouts in a half in football. Anywhere. Not even Canadian football.

The Eagles went on to lose to the Raiders, a team the NFL is considering turning over to the federal government as a troubled asset, 13-9.

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Curse continues mopping up NFL

John - 10/2/2009, 11:51 PM - Curse News

The Campbell's Chunky Soup Curse, the greatest evil to threaten American sports since the designated hitter rule, continued to pound home the message that 2009 is the year it will destroy the NFL.

Seattle Seahawks quarterback Matt Hasselbeck, was listed as "very doubtful" forn the Seahawks game against the Colts this weekend.

Reporters were astonished, and asked coach Jim Mora, Jr what he meant by "very doubtful".

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Has the NFL apocalypse begun?

John - 10/1/2009, 11:15 AM - Curse News

The pincer movement of the Campbell's Chunky Soup Curse and the Madden Curse has left the NFL praying for survival. The dual curses have left former endorsers LaDainian Tomlinson, Donovan McNabb, Troy Polamalu and Brian Urlacher on the sidelines.

The Chunky Curse is particularly proud of its efforts to destroy LaDainian Tomlinson, the San Diego Chargers runningback. With Tomlinson injured, the Chargers have replaced LT with a circus midget.

Said Chunky, "Yeah, it's pretty funny to take a guy out and see the team replace him with a person who is not of adult proportion like Darren Sproles."

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