PAGE: PREV 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 NEXT

Cowher: cursed soup doomed us

John - 9/18/2006, 11:59 PM - Curse News

Following Pittsburgh's disastrous 0-9 loss to the Jacksonville Jaguars, a professional football team so crushed by the football gods that they play games in an abandoned lot next to an old factory, Steelers coach Bill Cowher had some choice words.

"These are the days when blaming a cursed endorsement deal feels better than admitting the truth," said Cowher.

Ben Roethlisberger looked near dead -- a state commonly associated with players who have endorsement deals with Campbell's Chunky Soup, the most dangerous soup currently not a signator to the Nuclear Non-Proliferation Treaty.



Big Ben will play tonight!

Bill - 9/18/2006, 8:10 PM - Curse News

It's just after 8 p.m. and Ben Roethlisberger will lead the Steelers in tonight's game against the Jaguars despite a fever of 104 degrees.

Pay attention to this game. Chunky is in attendence tonight and despite all warnings not to play, he is pushing forward.

Is he brave or stupid? You decide.


Bill's preseason rankings

Bill - 9/6/2006, 3:39 AM - Curse News

I'm a little bit late on giving my preseason rankings. I was letting the dust settle on the latest attack of the Chunky Soup Curse. But there they are:

#5: Donovan McNabb, quarterback, Philadelphia Eagles. There's nothing special to this pick at all. He makes the list by default. The curse struck once, twice, and the third time's a charm. Chunky's finishing the job this time and it's personal.

#4: Ben Roethlisberger, quarterback, Pittsburgh Steelers. This one's a no-brainer. If you think about it, Ben's already out for the first game of the season and may or may not be back for the second. He's got metal in his face and he's missing internal organs. Chunky is cold and calculating. It's taking him apart, bit by chunky bit.



Sick to the stomach? Probably the Chunky Curse

John - 9/5/2006, 10:44 PM - Curse News

Campbell's Chunky Soup, the most sickening food approved by the Food and Drug Administration, continues to go deeper into the playbook.

This week, entering Week One of the NFL season, Chunky decided to play the biological warfare card against Ben Roethlisberger.

Roethlisberger earlier this week reported feeling sick to the stomach. An inexperienced trainer misidentified the problem as appendicitis. A more experienced staffer later revealed, off the record, that the illness was a symptom of the Chunky Soup Curse.



John's pre-season rankings

John - 9/3/2006, 1:02 AM - Curse News

Throughout the season, we will be providing weekly Chunky Soup Curse rankings. Players will be ranked according to a number of factors, including:

  1. Likelihood of dying on the field
  2. Likelihood of professional humiliation
  3. READ MORE ...


Chunky Soup Curse signs secret pact with Madden Curse?

John - 8/31/2006, 2:31 PM - Curse News is currently seeking confirmation of the most dangerous alliance since the Molotov-Ribbentrop Pact made Josef Stalin and Adolf Hitler totally like BFF. Sources close to Electronic Arts are speculating that Campbell's Chunky Soup, the most dangerous liquid to human beings beside dihydrogen monoxide, has sought what is being termed a "strategic alliance" with the Madden Curse.

The Madden Curse recently attached itself to Shaun Alexander, runningback for the Seattle Seahawks, winners of the NFL's 2005 NFC minor league championship. The Chunky Soup Curse is currently eyeballing the destruction of Seahawks quarterback Matt Hasselbeck.

While a recent Zogby poll (+/- 3% MOE) showed that 88% of all American heads of household were aware of the dreaded Chunky Soup Curse, a mere 16% were aware of the Madden Curse.



PAGE: PREV 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 NEXT